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August 2011



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Aug. 25th, 2011


I cant belive im actually meant to be here... FIR

Im so lonely here. I have gotten my work and school life figured out for now but... I have NO social life. Ive met no guys Id date, i feel like i have accomplished nothing. Like all my friends from higschool all hang out together but never invite me. wtf. Its like they are all still friends and ill try to reach out but it just feels akward and forced. Time to move to cali?

Aug. 5th, 2011


All it takes is a spark, to ignight my bad intentions and do what I do best to your <3

Ya know everyday I wake up thinking, praying and hoping that people will one day grow up. And as my day goes on I am greatly disappointed. Take this morning for example. As the world knows Ive been working my ass off between two jobs these past two weeks. And in all honesty I have no time for bullshit from adults. Grow the fuck up. My 4 year old I babysit is nicer than you. Get over yourself. Well this morning I wake up to a voicemail from my ex's friends (the ex who was all "I want you back I miss you I love you... bullshit bullshit bullshit") It was like
"Hey I wanted to call you to tell you that my friend caught an std from (insert exs name here) and it has no symptoms and im sorry to call so late but I thought you should know"
So lets recap!
1) I overslept and it is now 8:30 am and was suppose to get up at 8am to get to work on time
2) My ex who was "trying to work things" out with me was sleeping with some other girl
3) And last but not least I might have an awful STD.

So I am freaking out shaking pissed off beyond belief.
On my way to work I called __INSERT EXS NAME HERE__ and he did not answer so I left him a voicemail and told him if he ever loved me to please call me and tell me if it was true or not that he has an STD. I get a call a few minutes later and he says "Damn it was just a joke! You were disrespectful and going off on me the other day for nothing!" A joke??? that was a fucking joke??????? where the fuck do you get your sick ass fucking sense of humor u fucking dipshit? Because I was seriously on the verge of tears. Then he even tried to compare it to me calling his girl busted over voicemail. HEY that wasnt a joke, ill admit, that was God's honest truth. SHES FUCKKING UGLYYY!!! Having your friend call me to tell me I might have an STD from you doesnt fall under "truth" or a "joke" category. It falls under "Im a fucktard piece of shit who is going to get karma real fucking bad"
Then his friend who had left the voicemail called me and told me it was just a joke. And not only that but the way he told me was snarky. I cant really explain how it was snarky but it was. He was like are you mad at me? and I was like not at you but i expected better from __INSERT EXS NAME HERE__ because jokes like that are not funny and theyre really mean. then I hung up. I get a voicemail a few min later saying "you forgot to tell me you love me' WTF are you dumbasses on????

So sigh of relief I dont have an STD.  I got to work on time, by a miracle and speeding. I got a text from the asshole ex of mine and it was like
"it was a joke, we were drinking it was my idea since you flipped out on me for nothing. Im sorry but I wasnt serious please take the time to call me later?"

Excuse me hold up one sec HOLD THE FUCK UP! YOUUU want MEE to take the time to talk to YOU?? UM well lets see.. how about FUCK NO YOU LITTLE BITCH. Jokes like that are not funny and I dont wish it on anyone. I am beyond done with this piece of shit. Im over it. Looking for a way to block his number and his little dumbfuck friend's number. That fucker waxes his eyebrows better than me and needs to come out of the closet but what the fuck ever. I want nothing to do with either of them ever again. THAT my friends, is when i say ENOUGH.
Blocked on facebook- Check
Blocked on my phone- Working on it. Bitch.

Oh and my question. Should I stoop to that level of childishness and look for revenge? because it would be PRETTY easy to do that. Or should I let karma take care of it? sometimes Karma is on vacation tho... hmmmm decisions decisions......

Just a moment of weakness, I never meant a word I said.

Some quick updates on my life. I am working about 17 days straight, no break nothing. I get a break from 6pm when I get home from work to around 10pm when I crash. Im not going to complain bc the economy sux and I know others wish they had two jobs but this whole- not even one day off- thing is not cool with me. I can tell I am very short fused with people already and I am not even half way done with this craziness. My ex use to be love of my life doesn't even want nookie from me. wtf. Hes still talkin to that other ugly ass chick but whatevs. Then my other ex who was all I MISS YOU COME BAK... yea he went to lunch with another bitch yesterday. My friend who works there said she looked busted and he didnt pay for her. HA u go girl. Have my cheap ass left overs. So i called him out on it and he called me FAT and CHUBBY. Nope not kidding and its not even true... he just knows it gets to me. He also said i was disrespectful cuz i called his new girl busted lookin. HEY i call em like i see em. If shes cute I'll hate on her for being pretty. If shes ugly, ima tell you. END OF STORY. Get the fuck over urself frotch bitch.

Jul. 24th, 2011


I am messin' with your head when I'm messing with you in bed </3

It's official. I hate vodka. I have not had vodka in about two years because it hates me. Well my friend made me have some the other night. Guess who ended up calling her ex who treated her like shit? this girl right here, correct! Well, in all honesty we had been texting a bit before then and were planning to get together to fix urges we have.... (insert wink-face here). The blunt-honest-to-God-truth is I just wanted the nookie. I do not want to get back together with him. We cannot stay in the same vicinity for more than a day without bitching at each other or putting each other down over something stupid. Needless to say, we hooked up. Well now he is all over me on my phone like white on rice. Wants to hang out again, says he misses me, and that he loves me. Every time something like that was said I would change the subject. I was hoping we would be on the same page, that we would get together strictly for the physical aspect, nothing more. JUST Friends with Benefits. Fail.

Jul. 18th, 2011

black rose

&&If it seems like an accident , a collage of senselessness, you weren't looking hard enough.

Today has been a been a no good, terrible, very bad day.

It started off at work. First day at the cash register. You ever get the vibe people are getting madder and madder at you by the minute? You ever have to deal with that for two hours by 10 different people? I have. Sorry, IM NEW. I will be taking about ten minutes for each transaction. I know it is a huge inconvenience to your day but I just started :(
Anyway, then the manager got on me for not making a "connection" with the customers. Its so hard to do that when I am trying to learn something at the same time :(
THEN I get to my volunteering class and I sounded "empathetic" during role plays. I was just basically told that my calling in life... may be unattainable because I sound like i honestly don't give a shit. Well awesome.
THEN the car starts messing up on my way out of class.
THEN my mom tells my dad about how I speed and I'm a reckless driver. I then get criticized for about 30 minutes.
THEN i get home to find out my moms breast exam had something weird and she needs to go back tomorrow. She is really worried about it. My dad suggested I go with her tomorrow but my mom then said that I was probably tired from today and would want to hit the gym. Then I go to my room and overhear her say "She (me) always does that. She wants people there for her when she needs them but shes never there when others need her." I am sorry but I do not do well AT ALL about hearing bad news about a close loved ones health. I have never had anyone close to me die, nor do I think I would handle it well at all. I do not want to hear bad news. I guess its called denial.

Why don't I just get diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder and I'll have an explanation for why the world thinks I'm such a shitty person since I'm an annoying, stupid, reckless, apathetic, emotionless, cold person. FML

Jul. 10th, 2011

Healing heart

A #5 Vito (no onions or tomato) from Jimmy Johns, some Jesus, and Friends.

That is what it took to get me feeling better. Before church and jimmy johns I was seriously feeling sooo low about life and myself. Now I feel incredibly positive and hopeful about life, its amazing.

Call it the power of Jesus, or the supportive system, or even a nice tasty treat, whatever, either way I feel better now. Lets get this week started off right at my job meeting. :) Hopefully I'll make some friends tonight!


Jul. 9th, 2011

blood tears

Running from my past, I'm praying feet don't fail me now...

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside"- Girl, Interrupted

I am a shut-in. A depressed and lonely shut-in. You know you are one if you
a.) text your used-to-be-the-love-of-your-life, even when you know good and well there will be no message sent in return
b.) You have been on facebook all day because you are trying to reach out to human life form in any way or shape possible
c.) if all your friends are out on dates, or at parties while you are watching Girl,interrupted... with the scary thing being that you can relate to it.

The movie disturbs me to the point that it makes me a bit nauseous. It is such a good movie and raw with emotions that it gives me chills. Everything said in that movie is true. I have no idea what I have but i know i am not normal per say.

I was diagnosed with major depression when I was 16 years old. However, I always thought I had borderline personality disorder. Perhaps my ex was right. Perhaps I do need help. Or maybe it is that I over analyze everything in my life, which then leads me to feel sad, or depressed or anxious or all three at the same time. Either way, I have always seen things differently than most people. Read into things deeper, reflected over a conversation more so than it probably needed to be. This ability comes with great pain. The creativeness that arises from the agony that is felt is merely a form of compensating for the negative truths that come with it. A gift with a curse I suppose.

I have been yelled at today by my ex, and have had some very mean things spoken to me. For instance he said I was a heartless bitch. Other things were also said but as a part of my "issues" i have, I tend to "blackout" from them so I don't feel the pain, hence why I forget so many mean things that are said or done to me.
In all reality it was like he was pushing my buttons the way Lisa pushed Daisy's buttons in the movie. Pointed out all my flaws and laid them out on the table for me to see perfectly. As if I had not been aware of them. However, our flaws are something very personal and sensitive to each and everyone of us. So to have each and every single one pointed out to you in a witty condescending manner, leaves one feeling as if they were never anything to begin with. Like a dagger being twisted further and further deep inside your heart.

Perhaps feelings these deep and wounds these big were not his intentions. Perhaps he just wanted to get a rise out of me. It is very possible. However, to speak to someone in such a manner, is never the way to get positive attention. It left me feeling alone, angry, anxious, and seriously depressed with very low self esteem. As much as I say I do not let people get to me, they always do. I am the most sensitive person. My feelings are already raw and like an open wound, but not only that, they are also worn on my sleeve for the world to see if they just took five minutes out of their day to turn around and look.

It is eleven o'clock on a Saturday night. It is the hardest and worst Saturday night I have had in a long time.

Jul. 8th, 2011


What Am I Doing? Oh Yeah Thats Right! I'm Doin Me. I'm Living Life Right Now.

I sat there at the dinner table as my taste buds were going crazy over the marinated steak. It reminded me of the steak I had when I went to my boyfriend's- now ex boyfriend's house. Ex boyfriend? You ask. Yes that is right. It is not a typo, you did not read too fast. Ex boyfriend. See what had happened was...

I was feeling super down on myself the other night. Not the usual "life sucks" kind of down. This was a "life sucks and I suck at it, wtf am I doing?" Xs ten kind of down. I was missing my friends, hating the fact that I felt like a failure because I have a four year degree yet I am living with my parents and am working at a minimum paying job. To me, my life is in shambles at the moment. I decided maybe speaking to my then boyfriend would make me feel better. What I came to find is that he is an insensitive bastard. In a nutshell after my crying and venting he told me to "quit my bitching and do something about it".

Well being a crisis caller volunteer I found this to be very uncompassionate and uncaring of anyone to say. Let me get something out of the way here. I AM the logical side to this relationship. He would be like LETS GO TO THE BEACH! and I would say, well darling that would be fun but we are broke. The money we have would get us there but not back....

So now I have this illogical immature cold-hearted little boy telling me to do something about it. Yes that sounds like a plan! Gee, why hadn't I thought of that??!!! OKAY lets do something about it! I'll use up all my savings of 300 bucks on a down payment on an apt in university city and THEN keep working at my one shift per week/minimum wage job and earn.. ooh 160 bucks a month. THEN I can get evicted and kicked out just to move back in with my parents again. That sounds like a great plan. That's what I'll do.

I am stuck here. I know this. There is nothing I can do about it at the moment, telling me I am being ridiculous and to quit complaining and to do something about it just makes me want to punch you in the balls for being such a callous bastard.

On top of that the next day he basically told me I was in debt 18000 and that life is not like college and its not fun and that I would not be able to handle "adult problems". YEAHHH buddy. This comes from a little boy who plays video games and watches comic book movies for fun and works at a shitty job himself only on weekends and only has a GED and lives with mom and dad still.

I know I know... I pick the winners of the bunch! Needless to say, I stopped talking to him that day. He later apologized for being cold. Later he called and I told him I didn't want to speak to him. Then this morning he told me to have a good day and said it seemed like I hated him and that he didnt mean to sound mean and that it may be time for me to do something about my problems and that I need professional help. I told him I cant be with someone who is so insensitive and cold. He said have a good life. I continued on with my day by watching silent library.

Now that I am single I can't help but feel a little lonely. However, I'd rather be lonely than crying all the time because I am mad at him because he is an ass. The only thing I can really do from here is surround myself with work, volunteering, family, friends, lots of napping and a lot of gym time. While I was eating dinner I came up with a little philosophy kind of thing. For all you raging alcoholics out there, you may find this to be helpful ;)

Life is what you make it. In life you are the bartender. You call the shots and make the drinks. You can either choose a cheap boring old cup of keg beer OR you could apt for the more expensive yet more exciting margarita (frozen or on the rocks, salt or no salt, lime or no lime, YOUR CHOICE).

I intend on making the best margarita I can with the ingredients I have.


Jul. 4th, 2011

Emo love

&&Now my heart needs a polygraph. Always so eager to pack my bags when I really wanna stay...

I have not updated on my life other than work lately. Well I suppose now is a better time than never. I did not get into the University I wanted to go into. Guess what lucky girl got to move back home with her parents at almost 22 to a town she hates? This girl right here.

Pretty difficult situation in it self. Well I have this boy who is crazy head over heals in love with me. And I must admit, I myself seem to fancy him quite the same. He makes me happy when shits gone to hell. He believes in me like no one I know ever has. We do argue and fight every so often, however I can't help but feel the good out weighs the bad. Okay so what is the problem you ask?

Well my parents are not crazy about him. Since I live at home i feel like i am burdening them when I ask if he can stay and hang out with me. As soon as my mother hears his name she quickly stiffens up and becomes a complete bitch n hag of a time. She says hes not well mannered.

Okay so yea I get it. he CAN be a little obnoxious at times and overly friendly. For example on the first date at dinner he put his arm around me. He watched movies with me at my dorm after and it was like 2 am. He asked if he could spend the night and I said ummm no. But he ended up staying anyway. Nothing happen that night believe it or not and he took me out to breakfast the next day. Since then we have been inseparable. He is a blast to be around and spontaneous. He can make any boring moment into a fun moment. I understand my mother may have my best interest at heart but I just wish she understood she raised a pretty level headed daughter who has had her share of assholes and knows a good guy when she has one. I am not lying when I say this boy has done everything and will do close to anything to keep me happy and by his side.

I was trying to weight out the pros and cons on this situation. I love my family and my boyfriend as well. But my family will always come first. I was at the point where I felt "Bad" that I was happy with my boyfriend. Almost like a guilt trip I suppose. My mother has even told me she has no interest in getting to know him. Please tell me how mature that is. However, fuck I have been depressed for four years over my ex boyfriend use to be love of my life and now i am finally happy. Should'nt that be all that matters? Well I was about to end it with my boyfriend. Not through any fault of his own because he has been wonderful lately. But only because I wanted things to be okay between my mother and I. And then in the midst of bawling over what I was doing, I realized how stupid it was. I am not in any way wanting to let go yet. There's no reason to. Yea things are not easy or served to us on a silver platter but those moments we do get together are like nothing I've experienced recently. So he talked me out of it by telling me how he is willing to do whatever is necessary for us to work. He even got me laughing by the end of our otherwise despondent conversation. The boy deserves a chance.

I really hope my parents come around one day because this boy... he is what keeps me sane while being at home in their ever loving nagging presence.

Jul. 3rd, 2011


Record Companys Gonna Give Me Lots of $$ &Everythings Gonna be Alright

"Selling out" is the compromising of (or the perception of compromising) integrity, morality, or principles in exchange for money or "success" (however defined). It is commonly associated with attempts to tailor material to a mainstream audience.

It's official. I am now a complete sell out. I got a job doing what I said I would never do. Especially since I have a bachelors degree in something totally non-related. The job you ask? Retail at a famous preppy America clothing store that targets teenagers and young adults to spend all their allowance/small paychecks on clothes.

In my defense, I was in dire need of a job. It has been a month and a half with absolutely no luck in the job hunting department. So you can imagine the happiness I felt to know that I would be having some form of steady income (even though it is barely over minimum wage).

Today was orientation. There were eight of us going through this ordeal. I assume I was the oldest considering I am the only one who has already graduated college. A little on the embarrassing side I realize. Whatever. What I find more embarrassing is that I know KNOW that I don't exactly fit the whole mainstream thing. The lip ring had to go. As I unscrewed the ball at the end of it and pulled out the bar I was deeply disturbed. A turning point in life I suppose and  I must confess, the teenage-angst-emo side of me died a little. As I sat there in the back room looking around at the cluttered filled clothes racks I was thinking about how awesome that lip ring had looked on me when I heard,

This is our new team? Gosh! You guys are so quiet! You sure you can handle this? Asked the boss lady.

Can I handle getting kicked around and verbally abused to a customer's delight? Lady, do you know I worked at Walgreen's? is all I thought to myself.

Besides that the co-workers seem alright. Some I could easily pick up as "Slackers" others as "go-getters". You know those go-getters that meet exceptionally insane over the top above and beyond standards in the work place. The ones who act like they know EVERYTHING and you just want to pop them in the face? Yeah well luckily they wont be working at my store. In fact I may be that person in my group of newbies. Huh.... imagine that.

There's a little man in my head holding a sign and yelling SELLOUT! at the top of his lungs and it kind of looks like this:


Oh yea and ps: I suppose after making myself listen to the new taking back sunday CD 876875674 times it actually started to sound decent. There are still three songs I will not listen to however, I am coming around I suppose. Progress.

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